Becky

2003-06-04T14:27:00.000-07:00

Long day. Very tired. I come home to a full sink of dishes....barley any which are mine, but i do them anyways. Blah. I went to visit Mike this morning at the campus center before I left for work and he was pissed at me. He saw this journal thing and was mad. Bit he has to understand....I was mad too. I dont know...I dont think he likes me. When I went to the campus center he was hanging out with Anne. Ok fine...whatever. But then she fucking comes to Borders and orders the most fucked up drink. That pisses me off. I wish she didnt come there. She makes me feel bad about myself. Why do I always feel like I have to compete for Mikes time. I shouldnt. THEN when I was at the campus center he was like, "Oh Im going to the movies with Lindsay Friday night....wow. Thats cool. :( My only days off and he spends them with another chick. I dont want to compete for some ones time and love. So Im kinda sad now...and whatever. This morning I saw that eric had IMed me. I knew he would sometime. And I think talking to him would have been nice but oh well. Oh yea....his birthday is on Sunday and I have no idea what to get him...I really cant get him anything anyways....maybe later when I get more money. :( I hope Mike still likes me....

2003-06-02T19:30:00.000-07:00

Well that was a fucking fantastic drive. I came home from work and then Mike was going to his house so I though...what the hell, I'll go. BIG mistake. I can only take so much of him at a tim.e Ialk about someone with no fucking sense of reality NONE. His life consists of a) work b) fucking bicycles and c) fucking whatever the else he fucking does. It pisses me off. If someone were to hold a gun to his head in new york city he wouldnt have the slightest fucking idea what to do. He talks....and talks...and talks. He thinks hes helping and every word that comes out of his mouth just makes it worse. Everything has to be an eye of a eye with him. Theres no give and take..NONE. I am reminded of Dave Bagg's Bumper sticker..."An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind". I cant wait to see the day where he wakes up from his fantasy world and sees ythat everything isnt going to be all right. And ya know what...frankly....the phrase "Sour Grapes" really ticks me off, and frankly, it makes me want to slap him across the fucking face. At least Fucking Eric and Gary knew who Jasper was and asked me about him. MIKE DOESNT HAVE A FUCKING CLUE. Not one. Oh yea...and its okay to say for him to say. "Oh I'd do her" AHHHHHH AND its ok for him to talk online to his fucking whatever the hell she is..."friend". HA yea right. Friend being the same girl he told me....oh yea she was a "firecracker" in bed. How does he do it? Make me feel like I do?? And another thing....who IMPLIES that i should loose weight??? Im fucking sorry but he can shove it up his fucking ass. I will workout when and if I want to....not by this fucking schedule that he made me. GRRRR!!! Im so pissed. Cant you tell? I hope hes bitching to jess or fucking Kasey about me. Christ...I wonder how Katie managed 3 years with him. My hat goes off to the girl who can put up with his shit for that long. Oh yea..and if I look like my "fucking dog died" (as he so bluntly put it) Well maybe it is...not my dog but my horse. He has no idea about my relationship with Jasper. NONE he doesnt fucking ever bother to ask either. NEVER asks. All he fucking does is talk about Bikes...bike this bike that....oh my bike is so great. Its a fucking bike. ITS REPLACEABLE. Not like a friend. Not like a person...not like a human being. If he would take 5 minutes and ask me about my life....or my family he would learn so much. He has no clue. He doesnt know what its like for the words, "Attempted Suicide" to flash in his mind. He doesnt know what its like to live with an elderly person. He doesnt even know what its like when a person he loves dies. NONE. Yea here I go compareing.......Eric had more than a fucking clue. So did Gary. What bothers me most...is that he will keep on talking like nothing fucking happened. And then once he does...IF he does...some sugar coated words will make it seem like everything is OK."So your not coming over tonight?" Why the fuck would I want to come over??? I just spent 2 hours with u in the car and didnt say 5 fucking words....now your wondering if I will come over? I dont think so. Ha....cant wait to see the day reality hits him on the fucking head.

2003-06-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

Here I am....cold..alone, crying. I was fine all day. Now its just starting to hit me that Im not home for the summer. I miss my friends. I miss Silky and Jasper. I wont be able to see much of Jasper this summer. And I probablly wont be able to see him at all during the fall. :'( God I miss him. I try and tell mike I miss him but He doesnt even know who Jasper is. It makes me even more depressed and sad. There wont ever be a replacement for him...its not like a stupid bike that is a material thing. What scares me the most...is that I wont have any horses when Im older. They are such an investment. I shouldnt even think about the money thing but it will always be there. I feel like calling eric and crying. I know I cant do that anymore. Although, the feeling is still there. I miss Jasper. I dont want to go to work tomorrow and deal with snobby java-loving freaks. . I want to ride my horse...I want to feel that freedom. *Miss You Silky*

2003-05-31T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am so fucking tired. Ive worked 8 hour days for the past 3 days. And I wont get another day off until NEXT THURSDAY. Blah. At least Im making money.....right?? So the first hour I was at work was a rush and a half. Two of my professors came in NOT TO MENTION ERIC!! Holy Nervousness. I figured he would come and say hi or something but I guess not. Oh well. One of my co workers asked me to hang out after work so I guess that was kinda cool. Then Mike came in and we went to Dennys after. I shouldnt have gone. Not at all. I paid $8 for shit. It was money wasted. Oh well. Ummmm....still thinking about Eric. Eric.....Eric....Eric...Wonder if him and Sarah are still dating. That would be cool.....I guess. Whatever hes doing I hope its fun. I miss Maketa. She is a good puppy. Adorable too. I guess when my eyes hurt that means I should probablly get some sleep. Night All!!

2003-05-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

"cuz its always rainning in my head....forget all the things I should have said. So i speak to you in riddles cuz my words get in my way. Cuz I cant take anymore of this I want to come apart...." Its funny how we can be someplace..with people and yet be so far away. Its rainning..its going to rain all weekend. I miss home. I miss the chinesse food at China Wok. It sounds kinda stupid..but I do. Whenever I think of China Wok, I think of Gary. (sigh) Its kinda funny...Gary and I had the best relationship (in the beginning)...and then I hear Mike talk about his relationship with Katie. I wonder how their relationship was. I remember how Gary was the most romatic guy...not just at the beginning but all throughout our relationship. Thats what caught my eye. I miss him. I miss being home. Ya know who else I miss? Tom. Tom is in Ireland. I wish I could have talked to him today because the owner at the store played the Rocky Horror Soundtrack. That was really cool. It made me think of him. I hope I see him when he gets back. Im in one of those sad moods. There are so many things I wish I could do over. So many. "Even though the moment passed away, I still cant turn away". I wish I could get that feeling back...that feeling like your floating on air. That romatic feeling...the feeling like no one can touch you. That butterfly feeling in your stomach. Ive gotten that feeling only two times. Truely. Gotten that feeling. The first time is when Gary kissed me on the cheek in the hallway Junior year....it was 2 seconds after the bell rang and there were lockers slamming and people everywhere....and he shut his locker..and kissed me. If you were to ask anyone ANYONE who was in the girls locker room after school they would have told you I was on crack. I was so excited. There are moment like that you just cant ever forget. The second time was when I had the adrenaline rnning through me when I went to shaws and picked up roses for Eric. I was so nervous. I wondered if he thought I was stupid or something for giving him flowers....but to see him smile made me so happy. Sooo Happy. We both smiled and it was something great. A couple times when he hugged me I got the same feeling. I could die in their arms. I think I started to get that feeling with Tom...but then shit happend...and well, I havent talked to him since before he left for Ireland. Theres a saying that Ive heard it goes something like..."you dont know what you have until its gone" or something to that effect...This couldnt be any further from the truth. Im in a sad-missing people mood. I miss Rachelle. Eric has been online for like a day now..and I would really REALLY like to see what hes been up to lately since hes graduated. But I dont know if he thinks Im stupid or doesnt want to talk to me or what the deal is. I told him once that his eyes were peircing. They are so blue. Its like whenever he looks at me I just go numb. Its not a bad feeling just a feeling I dont get with anyone else. I feel like going outside and sitting in the rain. And then throwing up. I feel like crying. Yea sure, its a real wuss thing to do but I guess I am. I admit it. I was never EVER afriad to cry around Eric...he probally was sick of me. When Silky died.`....Eric. He was there. He knew what to say, he made it alright. Where will I be when I stop wondering why? "The distance seemed right at the time; it was best, to leave behind what I once thought was fine and so real.".....

2003-05-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

Im not tired. Not at all. Gary called me tonight and said that he saw Nicole and wal mart. I think that they like eachother. How weird would that be? My ex and my best friend dating. I honestly dont think I would mind that much because I know and love them very much. Gary and Nicole. Weird. Again they met in town Auburn so it makes me think of what I am missing out on back home. I barely saw Mike today. For like two seconds. And now I cant find my ID card. Not that not seeing Mike has anything to do with losing my card. My new roomate is moving in now. Sort of. I dont really know her all that well but she seems nice. And Spunky. Very spunky. Which is cool. I could use a little spunkiness. Ok....well yea....I think im going to bed now, but we'll see. Have a goodnight all!!Peace out!!

2003-05-20T14:07:00.000-07:00

I finally looked up the lyrics of my favorite song right now...Like a stone by Audioslave. Today had to be the biggest waste of time ever. I want to start my job now. Although Im sure I wont want to be there once I start. Alright..I just got wicked pissed off. ARGG!! Im starving and Im supposed to go out to eat with Mike and hes taking a long time. He's "Chatting" with Kasey.....blah. GAG ME. Umm lets see...Kasey...wasnt she the one who basically made Mike and his gf of over 3 years BREAK UP?Yup....she was. I would second guess myself about that but he told me she was the ONE big reason. I feel bad for Katie....they had a perfect relationship...then whoops. Here comes Kasey. How could I be mistaken? Thats not cool.....Not cool at all. I wish I could be the one who breaks up a relationship....NO!!. I would call her names now...but its a big waste. Im soo board. SOO board. im irritated. If theres one thing about a person I cant STAND....is that person being fake and having no actually concept of real life. You know who Im talking about....something completely stupid comes out of their mouth and you wonder how they got this far in life. Coolest person I ever knew = Gayle Montana (Gary's mom...and with a last name like Montanta you have to been down to earth) SHE is awesome. Shes 45 and looks 30. She's not only beautiful....but increadibly smart. Alright....Im hungry, and still a little irritated.

2003-05-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

Monday night. Im listening to this song by Coldplay. Im not sure what its called but the lyrics go, "No body said it would be this easy, no one ever said it would be this hard, Its such a shame we should part"...anyways, It makes me sad. Theres one pet peeve I have...its not knowing if I made the right decison or not. Im all moved in to my new room in west. Its one of those things where parts of me misses home. I guess I should just get over it, but this is the first summer I have been away, maybe Im getting to emotional over it...maybe I should listen to Mike when he says, "Youve gotta grow up sometime"...yea I guess you do have to grow up sometime. Im going to miss my friends back home. Not to mention that my hours at work for the summer absolutely suck. Im working 2 to 10 every day except for monday and tuesday which I have off. Who has Monday and Tuesday off? NO ONE. No one has those days off. Oh wait....I DO. Shit. There goes my plans for the weekend gettaways. Dammit. Im being bitter about it. Today I was a little pissed off. I asked Mike to come help me move the rest of my stuff out of my room. Not that much....not at all. He made it seem like it was this HUGE deal. Then I felt bad for asking him to help me. Its just kinda lonely...you have all these memories of the year and its just you...just you and this bare empty room that you had good conversations with people in....made memories in. Im a sentimental person I guess. So I was just lonely...leaving my room by myself. I miss Rachelle. Amanda says she'll miss Chad when hes in California. Damn...I remember when Gary left for the Marines...I didnt want to tell her but that had to be one of the worst days of my entire life. My room is looking more "cumfy". Still trying to figure out where the Jeremiah Freed poster needs to go.....

2003-05-18T14:43:00.000-07:00

Blah. All my shit is packed ready to be moved but I cant move it yet because housing hasnt gotten their act together yet. My stomach feels like shit. Eric graduated yesterday. Thats impressive. I still have two years to go but it makes me think how fast these two next years will fly by. Im going to be totally honest here. I miss Eric. I miss him a lot. I'm not going to try and sugar coat it because that just doesnt work. I miss talking to him...and when something was wrong I felt as though I could talk to him....A feeling I rarely get with any other individual. I wonder how his graduation went. I wonder if he thought about his pepe when he got his degree handed to him. I wonder if his grandfather saw him get it.....no doubt he did. Days move my so swiftly. I bet everyone was proud of him. They have reason to be. He's an extreamly smart man. Its one of those things where I would really like to say congradulations...and thanks, but its more of a family day than ex girlfriend day. I guess If I got another chance to see him again....really see him, not some chance meeting in the hang; I would tell him how greatful I am for his friendship....and whatever relationship that we had together. I think Eric only really said one thing to me that truely pissed me off. He said I was "insecure". That burnt a hole though me. Sometimes when people say things to me, that truely have an effect on me....Its almost like the words carve themself into me. They may just come out as words...but the after effect is quite long after the words have been spoken. Anyways....I hope Eric will call me sometime so I can congradulate him on his college career. Ha....I'll never forget the first time I saw him up close. It was right outside Linda Morrisons office. I was sitting on the floor and he was carrying his gap nylon bookbag...and wearing that damn leather coat. Ok...I think Im done talking about him. Yea....and if One day he reads this...I hope he knows that he ment a lot to me...

2003-05-13T21:43:00.000-07:00

Well that SUCKED!!!! :( Tom just gave me bad news. I hate when I get bad news. I suck. Im not good enough. Today has been a whirl wind of activity....Rachelle is leaving tomorrow....I wont see her for another year dammit. :( I suck. I need to go to bed.

2003-05-12T18:58:00.000-07:00

Packing..moving yea...thats what tomorrow will be. In taking things down...packing and everything else, I am reminded by a few certain things that have come down. Not only my things but things of others. Ok one in paticular. The flowers that I gave Eric in October. Those flowers were on that stone wall for as long as I can remember. That was so nice. Just something as little as that. I appreciated it a lot, more than I thought he knew. I wonder what he thought about when he took those down. I wonder if he thought about when I first gave them to him. Im leaving the rose that Gary gave me for the last thing I take down. He gave it to me on Valentines Day. Funny thing about flowers...I can always remember who they were recieved by and when it was. The rose for instance....when he took me out to eat Valentines Day...that was the first time I saw his new truck. I gave Tom flowers today. Poor Tom..he had a rough couple of days...weeks. I thought I would be nice by giving him flowers. He deserved flowers. Yea...Im done sophomore year of college. Crazy. Oh yea....seriously thinking about study abroad second semester next year.

2003-05-11T17:48:00.000-07:00

Today is a sad day. Just all around. I have HT to study for tomorrow. I really dont want to. The last few days should be spent with friends relaxing. My room is starting to look empty and its depressing the hell out of me. Amanda isnt here....Rachelle is with her sister and Tom is....well i dont know. Studying I guess. I havent really gotten a chance to talk to him since his last performance. :( I hope he had a good time with his family. I dont know. I would like more than anything to hang out with Tom this summer. I get the feeling that his friends are talking him out of a potential relationship. I dont know...I really like him and all but I dont want to be the one who comes between friends. I guess I cant wait until next week comes around and then maybe I can see him in Saco? Or no? I dont know..i really havent talked to him. Toms profile worries me. Its about games. I dont like to play games either Tom. Its kinda sad that this wonderful guy (which seems to me) may have second thoughts about a girl (whom he likes) . Blah. Maybe the profile isnt anything about me.....maybe Im thinking too much. Maybe I miss him?? I havent talked to him in awhile now. Hummm If I had to give one piece of advice to Tom...this is what it would be. "Tom...when you have a gut feeling about a girl...go for it, theres only one chance...dont let it pass you by" Ha! I guess I really dont know anything at all until he talks to me. Thats fine if he doesnt too. Its his choice. Ok...Im done now....time to study. ...OK just called tom...Huummm Have I ever felt more blown off? "Im going to be busy until tomorrow night" Trasnlation: I dont care to talk to you at all until you leave. That just made me want to leave tomorrow. Im leaving tomorrow. Thats it. My last night here....and what a wonderful night it is turning out to be!

2003-05-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

11:16pm. Im tired and not looking forward to the next couple days that will include studying and moving all my stuff back home. I dont really want to go home for the summer. Not at all. I mean, I will see friends and work but Im not looking forward to those days I have nothing better to do than just flip through the tv channels. Tonight is Tom's last preformance of Rocky Horror. I was thinking about going but Ive seen it two times and its more $ I can save. I wanted to do something cute (yea, like a lot of other people) and get him flowers. I typed out this cute little message to him I was going to give with the flowers but I keep thinking about what Rachelle said to watch your actions. I dont know, I wanted it to be sort of a suprise thing. Kind of like how I would like to buy him a journal....I dont know, its a nice gesture and he wanted one so...yea. Im sure I'll have other little things I can do later on in the summer. I went to wal mart today and saw rachelles car. I was kind of scared because I didnt know who she was with or whatever....I didnt see her in the store and her car was still there when I left. Ive seen her maybe an hour out of the past 48 which is not normal. I hope that we can hang out before she leaves. I would really hate to leave like this on a bad note. I wouldnt think it would be like her to do that sort of thing (leave on a bad note I mean). Stupid Walmart. Tomorrow looks like Im studying, much, if not all of the day. Gary called and said he might come down tomorrow and take some stuff back to my house ( I only hope none of it flys out the back of his truck) Stranger things have happened? Ok Im quite tired but Im guessing I will end up waiting up for Tom to get back....Maybe not since his family is up and Im sure hes already tired. Goodnight!

2003-05-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

Im super tired and hungry. Again....Im not sure whats happened since I left to go home but apparently everyone and their mother is upset at me for a reason I am still very unclear about. Very Unclear. I just went over to Seina to talk to Tom but people were there so I decided not to bother him. I am so nervous to say anything to him...or anyone for that matter. Im pretty sure I didnt d.......I gave up I called him. Im such an idiot. I have these battles with myself...should I call him should I not call him......on and on. He had to go. He didnt respond to my IM so Im pretty sure he doesnt want to talk to me. Isnt that kind of funny? Last night we were laughing and now I dont think he wants to talk to me. Maybe Im making too much of this but it hurts me when someone I care about doesnt even want to talk to me. This day sucks. Even moreso, I went home. That was fun (not really) My dad was there. My poor dad. I love him but I dont think he knows. Its one of those relationships where I never talk to him.....ever. When I go in the kitchen to get food thats about the only time I see him. I try to communicate as little as possible. The last time I hugged him was when they came to visit first week of freshman year. Before that, I dont remember the last time I hugged him. If something were to happen to him....and I would never talk to him again....I would regret it. I would feel bad for not saying I love him. My dad had a hard life I guess. My mom said that his dad used to hit him and stuff. My dad was one of those band kids in high school. He played the clairnet. Its funny...After all this shit today...I am crying over not telling my dad I love him. I guess all I can say is life moves on. All this petty he said she said shit is just life...and life is pretty damn short. So having that said, I might just call my dad and tell him I love him. (I know...you probablly think im a big geek or whatever but this is my life...and how I see it)

2003-05-09T12:28:00.000-07:00

Yea. This day is starting to look extra shitty....Extra Extra shitty. Since everyone apparently thinks Im a lair and a big horrible person I will set everything straight right now. Yes Mike and I were "involved". WERE. As in NO MORE. Mike is a good guy (sometimes) but I can honestly say I could never hold a real relationship with him (not to mention he wishes I was more like his Ex) So then I meet Tom. Everyone tells me not to hurt Tom this, not to hurt Tom that. Ok...I wont hurt Tom. Not that hard. Then I start to fall for Tom...Tom is a wonderful person, who i respect and admire. However, it has been made apparently clear that (as usual) word seems to get spread and inevideably, it is the wrong word. So Now, getting done have talked to Rachelle....feeling as if she hates me, lines have been crossed yet again. If theres one thing that bothers me the most, its when people don't come to me first of all and everything is heard through different people. If you want to know the truth, come to me and ask me. Thats all. Its not that hard. I feel as though Tom has lots of girls that are friends...thats great. Im happy for him...however, when these friends seem to be in the middle of a possible new relationship...things seem to fall through. Now I am left with thinking Tom hates me and I am a horrible person because of whatever Rachelle thinks (whether it be true or not). To conclude....Rachelle obviously heard something from someone which is false. Tom now hates me, not confronting me or talking to me and lastly, whatever hopes of a possible relationship (that Tom...I say Tom because I have no idea if he hates me now) might have had....are now gone.
Im at home now.....not wanting to go back to school AT ALL. I just feeling like crying and sleeping. This day sucks....

2003-05-08T19:11:00.000-07:00

That was cool : / Rachelle Amanda and I were outside and Tom came by to tell me it would be best if I didnt go to Borders with him. Did I do something wrong? Im not mad, more sad than anything. I was really looking forward to talking with him without a whole lot of people coming in and out. Especially since its the end of the year and all...... and Im really not sure how often I will get to see him this summer. I'm not used to guys who have tons of girls as their friends. Rachelle told me again tonight "Not to hurt Tom". Her saying this to me makes me scared and nervous at the same time. I think the last thing I would want to do is to "hurt tom". I can kinda understand why tom's friends are worry some....I think its because if Tom starts a relationship, he might not have a strong relationship with his other girls that are friends. I think Tom deserves to be in love and it to feel like a fairytale. I mean....true love. I think Tom caught me getting a little teary-eyed this afternoon. I wish he didnt, but I wish a lot of things.......I wish. I like this away message I have up now....
I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,
I know you'll be a star
In somebody else's sky, but why
Why, why can't it be, why can't it be mine??

2003-05-08T16:37:00.000-07:00

Is it too much to want to be happy? I would really like to be happy again. Happy like I was when Gary and I first started dating. I wonder if I will ever feel like that again. I remember that feeling I got when I would see him. The feeling as if we were living a fairytale. If theres one thing that bothers me right now its the relationship I have with Mike. I had a huge crush on Mike for the longest time. Its such a continuing struggle. I think there gets to a point when you separate mind from body. Ive gone way beyond this point. Now its becoming too psychologically demanding. I dont think he realizes what hes doing to me. He tells me he loves me but then talks about how hot another girl is and is going to spend the summer with this girl that he had "done things" with last spring. He asks me to come over to his room but then chats online and pays not attention to me except when I say Im leaving....then he begs me to stay. Im getting tired to trying to impress him. When he tells me I should go to the gym more and get new clothes and stuff it makes me feel like Im not good enough. Its gettng redundant. I think to him, Im just an object. I hate that. I wonder if I will ever be happy again.....truely happy. Time will tell.

2003-05-08T15:54:00.000-07:00

Its ridiculously cold in my room. I have no food except for chocolate and no drinks except for rum. Everybody is so concerned with moving all their shit out. Thats all this week is...finals and moving. Boring. I hate moving out....I just assume be homeless for the summer and not go back. I know my parents wil be all happy when I get there but then some (stupid) event will happen and we will get into an argument and the those words will come out "I wish you didnt come home" Or something to that effect. Do you ever get the feeling that one of your old friends from back home is slowly pushing you away? I get that feeling with Theresa. I miss her and everything and I really want to hang out with her too...but somehow I feel like Ive done something wrong. Am I not the good friend I used to be? I dont know. I miss her though :( Rachelle is leaving soon. Really soon. Like in less than a week. Ive had so many people leave before....Gary to the Marines, Sarah (every summer) to Florida, Jeff to Washington......and now Rachelle is leaving. Shes coming back but I wont see her until next year. Its always good to have a girl friend to complain about guys about. And her advice always seems to be, "Fuck him, he is an asshole". I like that I can cry in front of her and not feel stupid or ashamed that I am. With guys I can cry, but the true feelings never really come out (with the exception of one). The emotions kind of get bottled up, you cry, never saying what completely is bothering you and then thats the end of it. ......This is depressing me. Im going to go now.

2003-05-06T15:00:00.000-07:00

Fucking rain. Today has been going ok....I took my HD exam. Blah. Went to the hang with Amanda. Tonight Im going out to eat with Mike. I figured we had a good year getting to know eachother better and what not....and I owe him. Its nice to go out to dinner with him but theres other people I would like to go out to eat with more. (I think you know who you are) Tomorrow and Thursday are going to be extra busy, moving shit out and studying all that good stuff. I have stuff Im thinking but i am hesitant to write it because of who may be reading it. Two more exams....Friday I have anthropology and monday is human traditions. Hmmmm If I had one wish to have before the year is over it would be to have a nice night with...(no way am i going to say your name). Im done....I have nothing else to say except Mikes been an asshole these past couple days and here I am going to pay for his dinner. :( Trying to look beyond his asshole ways right now.

2003-05-05T19:15:00.000-07:00

Today started out shity. Very shitty, but then I went to Portland with Rachelle. Its amazing how "girl time" improves my mood. Between her messing all the clothes up and yelling at the girl in Pac Sun it was pretty good. Oh yea..and the poster of Jeremiah Freed that was in FYE.... FOREVER came down and now i have it in my possesion!! :) AND THEN I get home and Tom brought me ice cream....not just any old ice cream..Ben and Jerry's Ice cream!! Phish Food ice cream..!! :-D In celebration Im wearing my Phish Food T shirt :) Yay for Tom!!!! :)

2003-05-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

I hate today. I'm on the verge of tears. First I wake up extra late for my first class...then I get some rude comment from Mike, which is really "assholeish" of him to say to me. I hate people who try to make me be like something they want me to be. "Becky, you should realy go to the gym more". Ahh yea thanks Mike. Not to mention when I am trying to get my point across to someone they totally ignore me. Then I try to call this woman for a job and it goes terrible....I probablly should just forget about getting that job for the summer. NOT to mention the fact that someone who I spent a considerable amount of time this year (you know who you are) is leaving and Im almost positive I wont get to see this person for a long time. Funny how thinsg turn out isnt it? I hate today...I wish it was over. :(

2003-05-04T14:54:00.000-07:00

I went to Rocky Horror last night. It was really cool to get comments from people on our outfits..not to mention the couple of cars that slowed down considerably to look. Tom did a great job, again :) Theres this quote (which once I find will go in my profile) about life, its a great quote. We went to sushi afterwards. Remind me never to get sushi again...the place is nice, but yuck. I'll get soup next time. Tonight doesnt look too busy...just a couple minor things to finish up. Im really excited to be working at the cafe this summer. I'll love it because a) no asshole tourists and b) the pay is better (not by much...but better). Ive gotta think about bringing shit home soon. Thats going to be a job and a half..if theres one thing about coming to college that I absolutely hate it's the packing and unpacking that needs to be done twice a year. Ok..I'm gonna go home and order some pizza. Yum...have a good week everyone! ;)

2003-05-02T14:17:00.000-07:00

Getting ready for Rocky Horror Night #2! And when I say "getting ready" it actually means I'm playing dress-up goth style. Amanda's (yes i give her credit because her boots are fucking sexy as all hell) knee high boots, black bra, black fish-net thong, arm bands, black metal/leather belt, spiked colar....and oh my gosh how could i forget.....your favorite and mine!!.......the fish net thigh highs.... mmmm baby. Now I know what I look like.....I can't wait for Greg and Nick (Rachelle and the gang) to get all dolled up too. It should be great. I really can't wait to see the look on Tom's face. Not much going on tonight....Oh the highlight of my day was driving to the top level of the parking garage at the Portland Public Market listening to Dave Matthews Grey Street. Its nice just to go someplace by yourself for awhile and reflect. Nice song Im listening to....3 Doors Down... "Is there somethuing that your trying to say dont hold back now...."

2003-05-02T07:10:00.000-07:00

Umm yea. This might be long because Im about to say things I wouldnt generaly say to anyone. First let me get some things out of the way...whats with the fog? Its May fucking second. It should be like 70 degrees outside......Then ok....I had this dream last night...which is normal and all except that it was about Ryan Matt being found? Ahh yea. If that isnt weird I dont know what is. Maybe its a sign? I dont know....OK here I go on my little "beckys thoughts because she got 3 hours of sleep last night" speal. Its fucking 9:30 in the morning and your up? Since when? And on a Friday no less. Ok so for all of you those who are reading this and dont know what im talking about I will give you the situation....so Im talking to this guy...and I kind of randomly ask him about his ...ahh girlfriend I'll say because Im not sure what she is. But I'll say girlfriend just to be safe. (Who is increadibly nice and smart) First of all....after I ask the question he signs off.....alright. This is what Im guessing either A) his computer all of a sudden blew up right after I asked the question about the girlfriend which I highly doubt would have happened. B) He was mad or upset that I asked the question so suddenly. ok...I'll give you credit.. I did ask it kind of sudden. It wasnt ment to be interigative or anything. Just a simple question that deserves a simple answer, nothing more. Ok....C) This thing with this girl arent going so well. Ok thats understandable. I wouldnt want to talk about it either if that was the issue. Either way....maybe I should have asked another question. Maybe I would have had a nice, "catching up" conversation (which I was loooking for) PLUS I was only asking this certain question because I thought it would be something happy that he would want to talk about. Guess not. Basically I asked a question I dont even really care too much about and I lost valuable conversation time (I mean valuable because every minute is) with this person I barely talk to anymore....which is unfortunate. There....Im done. Sorry if that was misunderstood to some. Im thinking about this way too much I know...but please understand Ive gotten 3 hours of sleep in the past 24 hour period. My mind tends to wonder. ....Let the weekend begin...

2003-05-02T00:23:00.000-07:00

Shit. I blew that one....... :( I shouldnt even bother asking how people are doing anymore. I should just stop speaking. That time...when I asked my friend what happened with her two year relationship and she told me that he had OD'ed on heroin.....that was a time I would have rather never opened my mouth. Shit. Why do I open my mouth? Im not looking for a bad answer. I ask questions to see whats happening. :( Maybe I'll stop. Bummer. Fuck. 3:19am. Maybe If I sleep it off it will be like it never happend? : / Would I even want that though?

2003-05-01T17:13:00.000-07:00

HA...I should be studying. But I'm not. OH WELL. I should be doing a lot of things....i.e., getting a job, doing my stupid research methods shit, doing laundry, cleaning the list goes on and on. Tonight feels a little akward. Kinda like the way Sunday nights feel. We had a rather somber class today in HD talking about Hospice care and whatnot. People cried which was kinda sad....but this BITCH girl behind me started talking about her fucking hair when the guest speaker was in midsentance. Stupid Bitch. Im not really a mean person, but when people dont give respect to other people...that ticks me off. Especially on a subject like that. Ok...I heard this song today and I really like it and I cant download it because fucking UNE put up a firewall. Which blows. The song is called "The Road I'm On" by 3 Doors Down. I'll give you some of the lyrics because they are pretty good and I dont have anything better to say. She said life's a lot to think about sometimes
When you're living between the lines
And all the stars they sparkle and shine everyday

He said life's so hard to move in sometimes
When it feels like I'm towin' the line
And no one even cares to ask me why I feel this way

I know you feel helpless now and I know you feel alone
That's the same road, the same road I am on

Ok Thats it...Have a goodnight.

2003-04-30T17:00:00.000-07:00

What the hell.....I have a decent day, came back from a nice meal with Tom and look what I come home to. Not one....not two...but TWENTY NINE messages from Gary. I dont know what the deal is.....he obviously is talking like I have a new boyfriend....which I dont...for the record. That really bothers me that people are so sudden to talk. Its only human I guess. Anyways...It was sad to just come back here and read all though it...."becky i hope hes good to you....you deserve someone who will keep you smiling.....but remember a good guy needs a good girl to take care of him too....thank you for being my first love" thats just some of it. He had to go and say this shit that makes me increadibly sad and whatnot. Oh well....Tonight is looking like a boring night. Maybe I'll watch a movie or something. My mom called a little while ago and I still have that DAMN BILL for 700$$ for the ER VISIT!!!!!! GRRRR...I wasnt even going to fucking go but SOMEONE made me. Ugh. I guess I can't be bitter for the rest of my life. I need a job....Im without a job. I cant decide if I want summer to come soon or if I could wait another month for it to be here, but either way...its coming in less than 2 weeks. The most depressing part is packing up all my shit and bringing it home. Ok well....I wont bore you any longer with my day.

2003-04-29T20:09:00.000-07:00

I either feel like a) getting pissed or b) laying down in my bed and crying my eyes out. Im not sure which option sounds better right now. I dont have enough energy to do either one. You ever get that feeling where your not good enough for someone? Yea...thats me right now. Basically either i feel Im not good enough for this guy or people have made me feel as though Im really not good enough for this guy. Either way....I dont think I deserve him. I want to get to know this individual better. I guess thats what makes relationships work...is knowing one another. I have this headache again. Im thinking to much.....I do that a lot. Im almost certain I wont be able to sleep tonight....

2003-04-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

Just got back from the peace vigil for Ryan. Wow....how depressing. His girlfriend spoke and said she missed him and tired to put her emotions into words that will just never do. This whole thing reminds me of when Dana passed away. This shouldnt happen to people this young. I mean, dying is for old people who have lived out their lives to the fullest and have grown families and made careers, not for those who are just beginning. Ok....different subject (sorry to change the subject so quickly) What kind of guy tells are girl that she needs to work out more? What is that? I mean, a person can say whatever the hell they want, but eventually it gets pretty annyoing and I, frankly, am getting fed up with it. Its the same deal as when I was in middle school and my parents always told me to do my homework, the more they told me to do it, the less I wanted to. Same with the excerise ordeal. The more you tell me to do it, the less I want to. Simple. And a person who is in "Love" with another person doesnt make them change their appreance or constantly harass them about their apperance. Im bitching....i can stop now. My drepressive mood just turned bitter.

2003-04-28T13:24:00.000-07:00

I think I have a brain tumor. And here's why.....because i always get this pain in my head (NOT a headache) and itas always in this one certain spot. There could be a lot worse things that could be happening right now.....Like i could be lost and no one would find me. Sounds familar huh? This whole Ryan Matt thing is really scary....as if flyers passed out by security isnt bad enough; there are helicopters hovering above Biddeford Pool. The general concensus (spelling?) is that bascially nothing good could have happened to him if he has been missing for this long. My guess is....and even if its a bad one, is that the poor kid passed out along the shore someplace and never woke up and then....well.....yea. Thats the end of the story.This thing has been all over the news too which amplifies the severeness of the situation. My heart goes out to his friends and family and I hope that some sort of conclusion will appear.

2003-04-27T16:06:00.000-07:00

Im tired. Amanda is at Chad's and my other roomate is in her room with the door shut...as usual. I wish Rachelle was back; I need advice........ I remember first noticing Gary because he could always make me laugh. Even when I was so pissed off at him or I was crying...anything, there was always a smile to be found. Thats what made me fall in love with him. Thats what made us stay together for two years. I dont know really what Im getting at here...but I think Ive found someone who does the same thing. Its refreshing to have someone like that in your life. I know no one will ever be Gary...or be anything like Gary but I remember having someone make me smile was the best thing to have. Blah...Im drawing a blank___________....except end of school is coming quick and finals. I hate being home for summer. Oh yea....Ive listened to "Name" by Goo Goo Dolls at least 10 times today and Im not getting sick of it. "Even though the moment passed me by, I still cant turn away....i saw the dreams you never thought youd loose, tossed along the way, letters that you never ment to send, lost or thrown away.....dont it make you sad to know that life is more than who we are?"

2003-04-26T18:13:00.000-07:00

JAMFEST. (A.k.a.......Beerfest....drunkenfest....crazyfest. All of the above.) And what a day it was. (and yea im the big dork who made the t shirt...but the guy from 6 gig made a hat for rocktopus so its not that bad people) Between dancing on stage with Joe Smith himself and actually having a CONVERSATION with him.....It was most memorable. Humm...and I did say I was sorry about his dad, even though it was 3 years since he passed away. Im not sure if this was a good move or not. Most of Joe's music has a lot to do with his dad....so in that way I figured it to be appropriate. On the other hand...bringing it up during the 3 minute conversation might have been a little uncalled for. Besides....I am a complete stranger to him and I only know of his dad from news and when he dedicates songs to him. Maybe a not-so-smart move. Im so not good at those things anyways. What do you say to a person who has had that sort of tregedy in their life? I mean....a person can say that they are sorry for that to have happened....but on the other hand...words cant even do justice. Humm....On a lighter note...jamfest was awesome and only one thing could have been better....Rachelle could have been here!! Oh well. I'll tell her all about it when she returns. Gotta go! Cya!

2003-04-25T18:15:00.000-07:00

Hi all...Well Its Friday night and Ive had an extreamly busy day. I went to go see Rocky Horror last night in Biddeford with Greg and Amanda(staring Tom Mullane :) ) What a wonderful job that the cast and crew did. I am definately going to go back next time and get a little "dressed up" shall we say. My favorite charecter...besides Tom...would definatley have to be "Columbia" She could pull off those boots so well. I must say...The pink thigh highs really did it for me. Tom you did a wonderful job in the sex scene....it was fabulous! Im hoping during Jamfest I can see everyone I would like to. Ok....I dont really have anything more to say except Im sure I will give u a full update on Joe Smith.......Mmmm Joe smith......MmmmTom Mullane in Pink thigh highs.....what a choice ;)

2003-04-24T05:39:00.000-07:00

Yea so...that is the end of that and what all hopes i had for "that"....First of all...let me set this straight. (This aimed at a particular individual whom I will not disclose the name of) Dont tell me you love me unless you mean it.Theres nothing worse than an individual can do besides lying...(almost nothing) and especially about love. Dont tell me to wait around for you when you won't do the same for me. Not only is it unfair...your setting a double standard for yourself.Oh yes...and please dont tell me theres "No one" when I know damn well there is. I already know what is going to happen between you and whoever this summer; you make that apparently clear. So here i am saying...goodbye to you and whatever "chances"(as you so kindaly put it) there might have once been as a relationship...

2003-04-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Theres a song that sums up my feelings right now.....Its called "Ants Marching" by Dave Matthews Band. Not only do the lyrics appeal to me, but the message. My grandfather always had hopes of me playing the violin. I hated it...I didnt want anything to do with it. He gave me his violin in hopes that i one day would master the insturment and play for him. I never did. I probablly never will. You have to understand..my grandfather grew up in rural maine. Everything was old fashioned, even the discrimination. He hated African Americans. If I had one thing to show him before he died....it would be this song. I would have him listen to the amazing violin in the song. He would tell me how great it was and then i would tell him that it was an African American doing that. i think he wouldnt know what to do with himself....Besides that I love the lyrics...."She thinks, we look at each other
Wondering what the other is thinking
But we never say a thing
These crimes between us grow deeperGoes to visit his mommy
She feeds him well his concerns
He forgets them
And remembers being small
Playing under the table and dreaming." ...

2003-04-21T21:14:00.000-07:00

I love it when it rains. I love the smell of it coming.....i dont seem to care when it gets in my hair and makes it all frizzy. Drops come down and they seem to go right through to your bones. The air is so crisp and theres no use in trying to forget about all your memories. Its one of those nights. It reminds me of the night when I first saw you, we looked at eachother and it seemed like we were the only two people in the room. I wish I could get back to that night. The way you looked at me for two seconds brought all of these memories back....I want to ask you so much. Like how youve been. What youve been doing...or not doing and how your family is. I guess whatever it was its over...and I should try and forget about it, try and forget about you. But something always happens (like tonight) and I see your smile and I want you to take me aside and talk to me.To be honest, I get totally scared when your around.I cant even thik straight. I watch every move I make and every word that comes out of my mouth. Chances are...you wont see this. Chances are...you wont talk to me anymore than you have been. And I guess thats OK....thats the way it works right? On a night like tonight, the way the air seems to be so thick you have to think to even breathe...I remember everything.

2003-04-20T17:11:00.000-07:00

Happy Easter!! Ok so I got a lot acomplished this weekend....got to see my family...(ehhh) and Jasper. I miss him. I am really gald that I got to see him today his winter fur is falling out so he looks a lot thinner which is nice. I cant wait to ride him again. Theres something about seeing him when Im in a bad mood that makes everything go away.....kinda like listening to your favorite song after a horrible day. I saw some old guys at the barn Jasper was at and I guess they knew my grandfather. It was kinda akward because I didnt ever really know my grandpa and i wanted to ask these old guys what he was like and whatnot but it wasnt the right moment. Oh well. I was home this weekend....could have seen Nicole....could have seen Sarah....could have even seen Theresa and Josh, but I didnt. I figure I will have all summer to hang out with them.(No offense guys) Oh yea...and for all of you who are reading this....you seem like your pretty board right now and one thing that you could do which would be way more productive than reading about my life would be writting to these couple of troops in Iraq. I know it seems kinda silly but these two men havent been getting a lot of mail and my mom gave me the addresses of them....Here it goes PFC Josh Carson OR LCPL Zachery Haste (new line) E Co 2nd Bn 5th Mar 2nd Plt (new line) Uic 39744 (new line) FPO 96426-9744 So yea thats it. Any words of encouragement would mean the world to them. I know its a busy time of year with finals and everything coming up....but 10 minutes of your time wouldnt hurt, plus it would leave a lasting impression. Ok...Im out Ive got homework to do....Have a good week everyone! :)

2003-04-17T16:53:00.000-07:00

This night is turning out shitty. I thought gary was going to come down and now he isnt....This is his first birthday in three years that we havent seen eachother. Im kinda sad. Ok, really sad. Chad and Amanda want to go to Chilis for her birthday...but if I go I will be the third wheel. I dont know about you, but sometimes birthdays get me drepressed. Its that whole getting older deal. Ya know what sucks.....is that I know how tonight is going to turn out. I hate knowing what Im going to end up doing. Especially if its the same damn thing I do every night. Is it just me or does like everyone have a boyfriend of girlfriend? and if your single....its wicked depressing. I guess I miss having someone to talk to and whatnot. I know Im going to wait up for (you know who) like I do every night. Relationships for me in the past couple months can be best described as "going no where fast". Ya know what else I hate....I hate when your someones second option. I feel like Im that side dish that everyone gets to order....but theres always that nice dinner and you just dont even remember the side dish. The side dish just kind of sits there....waits for someone to pay attention to it..then gets tossed out because no one can eat it... I feel like calling gary but i know his dad (the biggest asshole on the face of the earth) or his stepmom will answer....gary wont be home and they wont tell him I called so whats the point. Something else that bothers me.....I hate not acting like myself. I dont like trying to be someone else for a certain person...and i can think of a person I did exactly this for. I miss this certain guy and I cant seem to stop thinking about him. Certain things remind me of him....ugh.....I need to stop thinking about this......hopefully this night gets better.

2003-04-17T08:54:00.000-07:00

Happy 20th Amanda!!! Happy 21st Gary!!!...Hummm three years ago something happened that would change the rest of your life...and i was there! ;) I'll never forget that night! So todays going ok. I seem to be going on this skirt phase. Maybe thats because its the only thing I have that makes me looks nice and reminds me that spring weather is almost here. I think gary and I are going out to eat tonight...that should be fun. Im sure hes going to go to the old port later and get trashed...."maybe I'll start a fight"...cool gary!! geez. Im starving. I want to go to Hawaii and go surf. Yesterday I went and bought this wicked cute bikini top...I was kinda wearing it around in my room to get me excited for summer. I think for grad school Im going to hawaii. Maybe some hot native will sweep me off of my feet. That would be nice. Shit...summer. I need a job. I definately want to work in Portland over the summer. OT says that there are a couple positions opening up at Borders Cafe. I would love to work there. I wouldnt mind working at the Portland Public Market either. God, I love that place. Theres this resturaunt in there called Marketside Grill......ugh how romantic. Its all open and its really quaint there are these gorgeous black gates that are really orginal. I had a dream that it was just me and _____(you can fill in in the blank) went there and he suprised me, there were white lights all strune above ......i would just die. My ideal place for someone to puropse to me would be there. :) Im sure you care but if u have a free minute you should eat there. Im in a good mood. Its amanda and garys birthday....how could I not be in a good mood? :)

2003-04-15T09:55:00.000-07:00

Today sucks ass. So yea, the one day I get all dressed up like nice and the worst professor of all time (yea thats you morrison) meets me outside to basically yell about my internship that I dont even have with her. I can handle it...dont you worry about it, its not your problem. And by the way....I dont give a fuck if its the last semester your teaching listening and communication skills. I would rather get hit by a car then to take any one of your classes. Ok, that pisses me off. Then besides that, my stomach is going crazy, I feel like Im gonna puke at any second. THEN oh yea...I have a complaint to make....any guys please answer the best you know how. Why dont guys just tell me what they think of me? Yea know what would make my day?? If some guy asked me on a date.It wouldnt even have to be offical or anything. "Hey becky, wanna go out to eat?" YES!! of course! The easiest way to get to know me is to sit down and have a conversation with me.UGHHH!! Fustrating. Thats the word of the day.Oh yea...its nice outside thats kinda cool.......And another thing (this is me bitching...i do it rarely but when I do..everything comes out) Is this like Birthday week mania or what?? How many peoples birthdays can u possibly have in two days? Gary and Amandas are Thursday and then Mikes is Firday. (not to mention everyone elses...its just all comes and once) Its just plain bad timing I think. Oh well....This day is impossible to get better.....ummm not to mention I have a thing due for HD at 2:30...hummm yea. I wish someone would suprise me today. That would make my day. Ok....I guess Im gonna get something acomplished or eat.....Im almost forgeting to do that.

2003-04-14T10:53:00.000-07:00

Life isnt about keeping score. Its not about how many people call you and its not about who youve dated, are dating or havent dated at all. It isnt about the color of your skin, which sport you play or dont. In fact, its not about grades, money, clothes, or colleges that accept you or not. Life isnt about what car you drive, what possesions you have. Life isnt about if you have lots of friends, or if your alone....and its not about how accepted or unaccepted you are. Life isnt about that. But life is about who you love and who you hurt. Its about how you feel about yourself. Its about trust, happiness and compasion. Its about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about sticking up for your friends and replacing inner hate with love. Life is about avoiding jealousy, overcoming ignorance, and building confience. Its about what you say and what you mean. Its about seeing people for who they are and not what they have. Most of all, it is about choosing to use your life to touch someone elses in a way that could never have been achieved othrwise. These choices are what life is about......I would like to say congradulations to all graduating seniors of une. And one in paticular that has touched my heart.

2003-04-09T16:53:00.000-07:00

Alright (Im super bored) So Im going to talk about my good friend josh doyon. For those of you who dont know josh....well...im sorry. Josh is a great kid. Josh and I have been through a lot together and yet still after 6 years, still remain friends. Who could forget HPT and that damn hat?(and by the way IT IS MINE) And josh I think we both knew that when you looked at me in the hallways of hs, you-know-who wanted to beat the shit out of you....for gods sake, he almost ran you over!! And for those of you who now know josh as josh "the sause" doyon, well...i can only say one thing: Im glad Im not underneath that window at good old st mikes. Puking up a gallon of milk cant be good (but impressive). And last (and most important).....Nicole. Need I say more? How long have u wanted her for now...? years? I swear you almost creamed your pants when u saw her in the water doing her infomus "swimsuit wet-hair shot". If you could have seen the look on josh's face I think you'd understand. Cheers to you Josh Doyon and all your endevors!!

2003-04-09T15:34:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone...whats new? I guess this is something where I can just write whatever the hell I want so I guess Im just gonna go with the flow here. Today has been an alright day. Research Methods was cancelled because Glasier was sick (YEEHAWW....no offense Marylou but i guess smoking does that to you?) This week has been wicked stressful. I guess my workload isnt that bad compared to other peoples but everyones stress kind of carries over. Its one big vicious cycle. Im kind of looking forward to Jamfest...(not to mention Mr. Smith will be there :) Rocktopus...6 gig (too bad you cant be here josh) and...my favorite JFreed. As the year draws to an end I can only think of all the people places and strange happenings that Ive encountered. There are so many good people at this school you just have to look around and find them I guess. This year was sooo much better than freshman year, by miles. I would like to thank a certain number of individuals for entering my life this year (you know who you are), and for making me smile when I needed it the most.
Ok well I guess I will end with a quote that i always try to remember...."Never frown because you never know who is falling in love with your smile".